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For kids like Trey Bruns, a fifth-grader from Troy, Illinois, making friends at the start of a new school year can be intimidating.
Trey has a genetic condition and physical characteristics that mean he doesn’t always approach other kids, his mother, Jackie Bruns, told me. “He usually waits for other kids to approach him,” she said. “It’s hard for kids with disabilities to approach other kids. They don’t know if they’ll be rejected or teased because of their disability.”
According to a Pew Research Center analysis of U.S. Census Bureau data, 15 percent of U.S. public school students have a diagnosed disability, which includes not only physical disabilities but also less obvious learning and social disabilities, and 95 percent of children with disabilities are educated in mainstream classrooms, meaning most children interact with a wide variety of peer groups on a daily basis.
Here are some ways parents can encourage their children to identify and become friends with people who seem different from them:
To help her son navigate school, Brands sends a letter to parents in her son’s class at the beginning of each school year explaining that although her son looks different, he wants to be treated like everyone else. “I explain that my son loves to read, run, play, and most of all, make new friends.”
Caroline Mendel, PhD, a clinical psychologist at the Child Mind Institute in New York City, also supports this approach, explaining that it gives parents the opportunity to follow up at home even before their kids meet: “I noticed that Trey likes Lego. Maybe it would be fun for you to try that together.”
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Kids may have questions when they meet a new friend who looks different, but experts say they should always be respectful and use kind words.
“The most important thing parents can teach their kids is not to judge them by how they look or act,” Mendel says. “We need to get to know the person. Their disability may be part of their identity, but it’s not the only thing that defines them. For example, do we both like Pokemon or do we both enjoy soccer?”
This strategy has helped Trey make friends. “Just playing with and talking to someone with a disability makes them feel more comfortable,” Brands says. “I’ve seen this happen many times.”
Kids may still have questions when they meet new friends, but they should always be respectful and use kind words. Instead of saying, “What’s wrong?” they can ask, “Can I ask about your leg or wheelchair?” Mendel says.
“It’s OK to be curious, but do it politely and don’t touch any equipment or devices without permission,” Mendel says. “It’s OK to ask polite questions, but explain to your kids that not everyone wants to talk about it.”
If they want to talk, listen and let them take the lead: Your child might share an interesting and fun fact about their disability, says Michelle Foo, who grew up with hearing aids and now works as a pediatric audiologist.
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Parents should teach their children to look around the playground and invite other children who are not playing to join in, one parent said.
“Having a disability is a great thing and having a variety of friends can be fun and interesting,” says Hu. “For example, hearing aids and cochlear implants can be connected to music sources such as headphones. Remote systems can allow children to accidentally eavesdrop on their teachers’ conversations.”
“Disability should be seen as normal. It’s a part of life,” says Hu. “Deaf and hard of hearing communities are closely connected, but there is a spectrum of deafness. Deaf cultures and communities typically use American Sign Language as their primary language. Be curious and learn some sign language. It’s a beautiful thing.”
Aside from getting used to physical differences, children with disabilities may move or react differently than other children. If the person wearing the hearing aid doesn’t notice your child right away, it’s okay to get their attention and try again, says Hu.
“There were many times when I felt left out of the conversation, especially in a noisy place like a cafeteria,” says Hu. Try politely asking, “Can you hear me?” You don’t have to yell, but visual cues or repeating something in a different way can help kids with hearing aids feel part of the group, says Hu.
Explaining that some disabilities are visible and some are not, and that some people may have different social cues and ways of interacting, can help you connect with your students.
Gawain Hootman, a 10-year-old from California’s East Bay, has autism. He wants to be included but isn’t always able to socialize, his mother, Ramsey Hootman, told me. “If there’s one thing I would say to kids his age, it’s to keep inviting him,” she said. “He doesn’t always want to join in, but he always wants to be invited and welcomed. Just because he says ‘no’ today doesn’t mean he’s not going to be able to do it forever.”
Some kids may take time to understand the invitation, so giving them another chance to participate creates a more welcoming environment for everyone. It also reduces the social pressure to always be consistent.
“Although it may feel more natural to approach people who look similar to you, you can learn something from a friend who is different,” Mendel says. “Children with autism may have trouble making eye contact or taking turns in a conversation, but that doesn’t mean they don’t want to be your friend.”
The bottom line is that everyone is different, but everyone wants to be accepted.
“Teach your children to look around the room or play area for children who are disinterested and invite them to join in,” Hootman says.
Jacqueline Greenberg writes about parenting, accessibility, and inclusion. Her work has appeared in The New York Times, Wired, Parents, Good Housekeeping, and other outlets.