A woman who doesn’t want to go on holiday with a disabled friend has been supported by Reddit users.
In a post made four days ago on Reddit’s Am I The A***** (AITA) subforum under the username Subject_Shoulder_538, the woman, in her 30s, said her friend Ashley suffers from fibromyalgia.
Fibromyalgia causes “pain throughout the body,” as well as sleep problems, fatigue and “often emotional and psychological distress,” according to the US Centers for Disease Control and Prevention.
The poster recently returned from a trip with friends and wrote, “The final straw for me was Ashley having a complete panic attack at the train station.”
A stock image shows a woman pushing another woman in a wheelchair. A Reddit post about a woman who refuses to go on vacation with her disabled friend again has gone viral on Reddit. A stock image shows a woman pushing another woman in a wheelchair. A Reddit post about a woman who refuses to go on vacation with her disabled friend again has gone viral on Reddit. iStock / Getty Images Plus
When asked if Ashley wanted to go on the trip again next year, the poster replied, “No thanks.”
The poster asked fellow Reddit users: “Are you an AITA who refuses to go on holiday with your disabled friend anymore?”
Certified relationship and intimacy coach Jenni Simas told Newsweek that the poster “is definitely not the worst person.”
Simas explained: “She was rather trying to do things for her childhood friend. She owes her nothing. If someone chooses to be unhappy, let them be.”
According to a 2022 report from the American Public Transportation Association, “public transportation fleets are nearly completely accessible to people who use wheelchairs and have other disabilities that limit their mobility.”
According to the report, from 2000 to 2020, the proportion of barrier-free buses increased from 81 percent to 99.8 percent. During the same period, the proportion of barrier-free commuter rail increased from 64 percent to 82 percent, and the proportion of barrier-free light rail increased from 77 percent to 92 percent. The barrier-free rate of trolleybuses doubled from 51 percent to 100 percent, according to the report.
The poster said that she and Ashley have been friends since they were 13 years old.
“We grew apart after high school but stayed in contact,” she said.
However, they had planned the three-night getaway over a year ago, which was Ashley’s idea.
“Being around Ashley is stressful,” the poster said.
“Ashley insisted on going for a long walk around the city but said she was too tired to walk home and would have to get a taxi home,” she said.
At the end of the journey, the poster walked Ashley to the station, where she asked if a wheelchair was available because she was “finding it difficult to walk any further to her platform.”
The staff member said all the chairs were in use and asked if Ashley had booked assistance – when Ashley said she hadn’t, the staff member said a chair would be ready in about an hour.
The poster wrote: “Ashley lost her cool, yelled at them, said she was going to miss her train and sat on the floor. I tried to calm her down but it was no use. She was very insulting and abusive towards them. Very embarrassing.”
Two days after they arrived at their respective homes, Ashley asked the poster if they’d be interested in doing “a similar vacation next year,” to which he replied, “sure.”
The poster wrote: “I have tried to explain to her that after this experience I think it would be best if we didn’t go on holiday together. Ashley is now angry at me and saying I am ableist but it’s hard for her to put up with being so unruly about her needs.”
Friendships can be ‘stress-inducing’
“Through my work as a relationship coach, I’ve become aware of the fact that there are dynamics in friendships that are more stress-inducing than romantic relationships,” Simas said.
She also said it’s important to “do your best to show empathy and understanding” when someone is dealing with an illness or disability that you have not experienced and therefore “can’t comment so easily”.
But “we have choices in this life,” she says. “We can either let our disabilities define us, or we can do our best to make them part of the person we are, who is fascinating, kind, and fun to be around.”
She added: “In this situation, it appears that your friend with fibromyalgia has chosen to make that her persona, without taking into consideration what accommodations she needs to make in advance to make sure she enjoys her holiday to the fullest.”
“It has nothing to do with disability.”
Many Reddit users sided with the original poster, some sharing their own experiences with fibromyalgia.
Fairmount1955 states that the original poster was “NTA [not the a******]For example, her behavior has absolutely nothing to do with her disability so it shouldn’t be mentioned except that she tried to use that as an excuse (gross). If traveling together isn’t a good idea, then it’s probably best not to do it.”
TheVoiceofReason_ish agreed: “I have MS and I know there is a limit to how far I can walk in a day, so I plan my life around what I can do. If I end up overdoing it, that’s on me. I don’t blame others for not properly considering my limitations.”
“I have fibromyalgia,” Kucinick said. [ fibromyalgia] And most of them are OP [original poster] The symptoms you are describing are not related to the general symptoms. They may not even affect your ability to walk. I can’t imagine panicking while waiting without making a reservation for assistance.”
User hyperbemily said, “Yup! I have fibromyalgia too so when I started reading this I cringed… Your friend’s fibromyalgia has nothing to do with your friend misallocating her energy and taking it out on other people… She’s blaming it on her illness…”
Some of the comments were a bit sympathetic towards Ashley.
Briar Nave said: “I’m disabled and travelling as a disabled person is much harder and I don’t blame people for being frustrated, especially when you’re in pain. It’s a shame cities aren’t built with disabled people in mind but it means we have to be prepared and know our limitations.”
“I don’t blame someone for panicking about it, but then again, traveling with a disability requires extra planning to make it a good experience, and if she doesn’t do that, traveling with her isn’t as enjoyable. And I don’t blame people for not wanting to spend the money.”
Newsweek has reached out to the original poster for comment via the Reddit messaging system.
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Newsweek is committed to challenging conventional wisdom, seeking common ground and finding connections.